goddessbrit

I suppose there is always tomorrow. I did eat pizza today, but only a few small slices. Did not stuff myself, which is a bad habit I usually fall victim to. Had a couple of vegetable spring rolls for dinner, again not good, but not horrible as they weren’t deep fried.

For tomorrow, I’ve got a plan in place: Egg whites with cheese and veggies for breakfast, pineapple for snack, squash and bbq chicken for lunch and dinner will be mostly protein and veggies, too. The plan is to join a new gym tomorrow in hopes of working out with my fiance, Sergio. Having a buddy at the gym should help me commit, and truthfully, I’ll just have to deal with the back pain, since it’s still around, even after my epidural last week. The goal is to lose some weight and gain some muscle. I’m more interested in the clothing size than the actual scale number, but so far, with 6 pounds lost (and staying off thank goodness!!) I’m only noticing a small difference. My other goal is to really commit once again to keeping tabs on my eating, which definitely seems to help. Special thanks to all my buddies!!

So, yeah, these crazy hours I’m keeping are NOT helping with the weight loss! So far I haven’t gained any back, but I’ve become lax and not done anything to promote weight loss. Bummer. I need to get out and start DOING SOMETHING. My back is doing better thanks to a shot of cortisone, but I’m also feeling a bit down and don’t want to do anything. I’m contemplating laying in bed all day and eating pizza tomorrow, even though that would be murder on my diet. I just need something to calm me down. I have been sleeping odd hours and since I’ve gone back to work, this just simply isn’t going to work! I don’t know what to do… Ugh.

Ok, so it sounds worse than it is… in fact, it means I’m on my way down rather than up. I have LOST 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks. I’ve been steady at this weight for the last 3 days so I’m sure I’ve actually lost it. Only about another 85 to go. It is nice, even though I’m not really noticing any difference yet. I’m totally serious about this though. I’ve realized that I’ve got a lot to lose if I don’t lose the weight. To prove to myself that I can do it, I’ve started finding photos of myself that show flattering aspects I’d like to work on. After all, if I could do it before, I can do it again!

So as of today I’ve decided to make changes, not just tell myself to change, but to actually do it.

I am so frustrated with myself. I can’t seem to stick to a plan, no matter how hard I try. I sit at home all day because (for now) I’m on disability, and as much as I tell myself to eat healthy, it’s okay to have a healthy snack, eat breakfast lunch and dinner reasonably, blah blah blah, I eat a million and one calories. I haven’t kept track of my food for two days, but part of that is because I went out to eat tonight and I have no idea how to calculate those calories, but it must be a ton - gotta love Szechuan! This morning I had toast, then a snack of 2 tortillas with fat free cream cheese, then a package of low calorie, high fiber chocolate cookie crackers, then dinner out. Shouldn’t be too bad, but there is virtually no health in that. It’s like all I eat are empty calories. It sucks! And yet, I have so much trouble actually making something healthy, or forcing myself to eat it. I’ve never looked this fat, in fact as a teenager I used to think people my weight were disgusting and how could they ever let themselves look like that? And you know what? I look in the mirror every day and wonder why I can’t fix myself, or at least love myself the way I am (which, believe me would do wonders in my life!).

Thinking of all this makes me depressed, which of course makes me want to eat anything and everything in sight. I need tips for eating healthy while being easy, inexpensive and tasty. I used to be able to make nice meals, but living with my parents has made tons of crap available that I usually wouldn’t allow myself anywhere near (it’s a lot harder to binge on something if it isn’t in the house). Now I worry that when I move in with Sergio it will be the same way. I really need to reign in his buying snacks and junk food and convince him to only keep healthy stuff around. It’ll be tough, but I think if I can show him a little weight loss he’ll really go for it-especially since he confessed the other day that although he loves me no matter what he doesn’t totally dig my stomach, except when he pretends I’m already pregnant. I understand it, but it still hurts.

I need to figure out some good motivational stuff - I’ve tried using my own desire of wanting to look good again, fitting in to my favorite clothes that are too small, all this sort of stuff, but it doesn’t seem to work, everything just seems too far off. Very very frustrating!

I am very much ready now to start over. I have recently battled a back problem which has prevented me from doing much and left me laying around the house all day instead of working and moving around. While it isn’t completely solved, I am ready to stop snacking all day long and ready to start making smarter choices. This week, I did eat a few unhealthy foods, namely molten lava cake, but I’m easing into smaller meals and fewer calories, however it does help to keep track of it honestly so that I can look at how those choices affect my daily calorie consumption and how they contribute to my weight gain rather than loss.

I reset my first goal to 215, which is only 21 pounds. I gained that weight in a few months, so I can lose it in a few months. If I shoot for 1-2 pounds a week I should reach that goal in June. My main focus right now is getting healthy (back included) so that once Sergio and I are married and in a new place we can start trying for a baby. =o) Believe it or not, the one woman who said she would never have kids is now excited to get ready for it!

Any and all support is welcome as I regain control over my eating habits and lifestyle!

So, I’ve fallen off the wagon as it were, and I’m ready to get back on. I can’t find my fancy schmancy pedometer so I’m wearing a free one I found in a box of Rice Krispies last month. It’ll work. I even wrote out a plan, albeit very ambitious it is important for me to set some sort of schedule:

• Mini Goal #1: size 14/16, ~199 lbs by Jan 1st. This means I have 54 to lose in about 10 weeks, averaging 1.8 lbs per week. I CAN DO IT!!
• Major Mini Goal: size 12/14, ~180 by April 1. This means I have 35 to lose from the previous goal in about 12 weeks, averaging about 1.5 lbs per week.
• Mini Goal #2: size 10/12, ~160 lbs by July 1. This means I have 20 lbs to lose in about 8 weeks, averaging over 2 lbs per week. This is the most ambitious, but I know myself and I should be in good enough shape and have some motivating results by then to go 2 hard core months.
• Mini Goal #3: size1o (solid), ~ 150 lbs by September 1, 2009. This means I have 10 lbs to lose in about 8 weeks, averaging just over 1 lb per week. Much more conservative, because it’s going to take a LOT of work to lose at this point, although truth be told, I will be happy if I plateau and stay here.
• ULTIMATE GOAL: size 8/10,145 lbs by October 31, 2009. This means I have to lose 5 lbs in about 8 weeks, averaging just over 1/2 a pound per week.
• In summation, to reach my ultimate goal of 145, fitting into size 8, I have 72 lbs to lose in about a year. Assuming 54 weeks to go (just over a year), I have to average 1.33 pounds per week. I calculated this so that I would not be too discouraged when I don’t lose “enough” weight one week. There will be some give and take, because bodies have to adjust and will not steadily lose 1.33 pounds per week for 54 weeks. That is unrealistic; hopefully my goal is a little more realistic, although I’m contemplating whether I should push Mini Goal #2 back a few weeks to allow less rigorous weight loss, which would also mean a little more weight loss for Mini Goal #3 and the Ultimate Goal.

Any tips, ideas, support?? I could really use some. Last time I tried this, I attempted to remember everything I ate at the end of the day. Now, I’m thinking I need to take the time to contemplate what I’ll be eating, journal it, and then (instead of my usual speed-eating) take time to enjoy it.

My major problem right now is that I have been having severe back pain (probably because my back is telling me to lose that extra weight it’s supporting!), so work outs will be light the first few weeks. After a week of hospital and doctor visits, I am now on a medication that helps with the pain, so I should be fine to start with a few brisk walks around my neighborhood.

Also, I work on a beautiful private estate with many acres of landscaping and paths along a pond. I am going to keep an extra pair of sneakers and socks at work so that I can spend 15 minutes during my lunch walking–it’ll be good for my soul, too. After work, I should be able to spend another 15-30 minutes walking the ground or meditating. I’m thinking about asking permission to come on weekends to walk the dogs there; a bonus would be bringing a buddy and being able to train my puppy off-leash in a safe location.

So, my major hurdles at the start are: MOTIVATION, physical pain and depression (I’ve suffered major depressive disorder for a few years now, part of why I  gained over 75 lbs in 6 years).

BUDDIES WANTED!!

Well, the first two days went fairly well… I was able (and happy!) to eat small portions and sensible foods. Today came the challenge: my salad for lunch was not prepared (usually we get lunch at work made for us), so I ended up doing the death trap fast food run. Then for dinner my mother brought home cheese and meats and rolls and BROWNIES left over from work, so that added up, too.

I must say all is not lost, however, because keeping track is at least forcing me to examine these eating habits, and realize that I might be able to do one small fast food meal once in a while, but getting the medium fries instead of small and a shake rather than a diet soda puts me over the limit. Knowledge is power!

It’s still early, though, so keep your fingers crossed! =o)

Decided to start keeping track today. Hopefully this will lead to some serious truth finding and motivation.

Also, had my first free “personal training” session at my gym. Boo… of course it was just “this is what we can do, this is what it will cost” and yada, yada. I’m not sure if it is worth the cost-maybe I just need to find a friend to workout with! What I need is MOTIVATION. Other than looking in the mirror, which although it disgusts me, is obviously not working for getting my butt in gear. I didn’t wait around at the gym for the machines to free up. Note to self: Don’t go to the gym at peak times.

Guess for now, I’ll stick with my current routine of doing classes like yoga, pilates, occasional hip-hop. Last time I stuck to it for a few weeks, I did actually lose a few pounds.

Wish me luck!!